I Hate the Way You Love
by dvmcas1
Summary: Set after S4 E2. Emily's trying to make a go of it. And so is Effy.
1. Chapter 1

I Hate the Way You Love

Naomi wakes her up with juice and some toast and with a hesitant smile on her face.

Emily takes them and goes into another room to eat, feeling like a horrible person for striking Naomi down every time but not really quite knowing how to stop doing it.

--

Its sort of ridiculous the way their rolls have been reversed. Emily feels a bit perverse about grudging all of Naomi's attention because she's just _fawning_, with apologies written in her eyes. It feels perverse because Emily remembers the days when she would've given _anything_ to have Naomi chasing after her like she's doing now.

The problem is, now she can barely remember why this was worth fighting so hard for in the first place.

--

Emily slams her locker with a little bit more force than necessary. She almost jumps when she sees Effy leaning there behind the door she just shut, smiling eerily at her. She almost jumps but she's so fucking _tired_.

Effy tilts her head and seems to take her in, "Alright then?"

Emily starts to say she's fine, starts to tell a lie but then she bites it back because this is _Effy_ and if anyone will understand when love isn't perfect, when it fucks you completely over, it'll be her.

"No, I can't sleep. I can't eat and Naomi dances around me looking constantly wounded and so sorry that it makes _me_ feel like shit for not forgiving her."

Effy does something unexpected and rests her hand on Emily's arm. Emily starts and stares down at the soft hand with long fingers and blue painted fingernails and reminds herself that this is the new Effy. The one with curlier hair and a headband, the one that smiles and kisses Freddie and coos about how in love with him she is.

"Love isn't always perfect, Ems," she says and her eyes are so intensely blue and fixed on Emily's face that Emily glances away.

"Not all of us can be like you and Freddie, eh?" Emily hears how harsh her voice sounds and she feels bad, shoving Effy down when it's obvious she's trying to straighten her life out in some way but she's just so full of _bitterness_ lately, it's hard not to spread around.

Effy removes her hand and her eyes narrow just a bit and they're so _knowing_ that suddenly she's like the old Effy again. The one that Emily had thought was so devastatingly and beautifully broken.

"I'm giving it a go," she says softly and Emily feels a wealth of sadness for her. For Effy who's trying so hard to be normal. For the Effy that's choosing Freddie because he loves her back and he's so incredibly _safe_.

"Do you ever think about that night," Emily asks, hating herself a bit because they'd both sworn never to bring it up.

Effy sucks in a quick breath and it's the first time Emily's ever seen her _surprised_.

"I'm not her," Effy says quickly, "It's not me you're wanting anymore."

"Yeah," Emily agrees, "I'm not the one you want either, _anymore._"

"Let it go, Ems," Effy says, "Please."

It's the "please" that gets Emily, makes her slowly back down and relax by degrees. Makes her just stand by as Effy walks away, slipping into the slightly loose, happy girl image she's trying to put forth these days. _Fucking fake_, Emily thinks bitterly before she picks up her bag and walks to class.

--

Naomi tries to kiss her the next day. They're watching telly and Naomi touches her arm, says, "Emily…"

When Emily turns, Naomi surges forward, pushing her lips harshly onto Emily's, already trying to push her back on the sofa. Emily pushes back fiercely and turns her head to the side.

Naomi falls back onto her side of the couch and looks at Emily with wide, hurt eyes that are shining with tears.

"I'm not ready for that," Emily says.

Naomi nods her head and then gets up stiffly, walking out of the room. Emily can hear her a few minutes later, sobbing upstairs.

Emily grabs her coat, slamming the door behind her as she leaves.

--

She doesn't know why she walks to Effy's. Maybe it has to do with the bottle of vodka she picked up while walking. Maybe it has to do with that conversation that they had between the words they actually spoke that morning. _What the fuck ever,_ Emily thinks as she sets the bottle down on the ground and rings Effy's doorbell.

Effy almost looks like herself when she opens the door. _It's her makeup_, Emily thinks. Her eye liner has run a bit, because she's obviously been crying. That's more normal.

"Emily," Effy says as a way of hi and pushes the door open a bit more, waiting for Emily to slide by her.

Emily does come in, wobbling slightly. "Couldn't stand to be at Naomi's house," she ends up saying, "Figured you'd understand."

Effy gestures for Emily to follow her upstairs and while they're walking, plodding each up step, Effy says, "I thought it was your house too."

Emily passes the back of her hand over her dry eyes, "Not sure it is."

--

Turns out Effy's room is still Effy's room. _Sex_ is still brazenly written above the bed and there's still a bottle of liquor sitting on the dresser. Somehow its fitting that _Effy_ still lingers here.

Emily sits on the bed and fingers the fabric of the duvet, "I used to not think about it," she says quietly, "Now I can't really stop."

"Fucksake," Effy sighs and reaches for the liquor. She twists off the cap and lets it fall to the floor with a clattering sound. Emily watches as her throat works. Watches the liquid slide down it.

When Effy finally pulls the bottle away, her blue eyes are shining bright and they look a bit wild again. It's a look Emily recognizes.

"I'm trying, Emily," Effy says and sits down on the bed next to her and their thighs are touching.

"I know you are," Emily says long moments later and she feels like a bitch for even coming here in the first place, "I just…"

"Yeah," Effy says in return, "I know." Her hand moves over slightly until her pinky is just barely grazing Emily's leg and somehow Emily can feel it through the material of her skirt.

--

Emily leaves a few hours later when she's feeling slightly less pissed.

Her phone vibrates in her pocket.

_For what it's worth, I still think about it to_

"God _damn_ it," Emily says and sits on the curb outside of Naomi's house. Because its certainly not hers anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

Effy rolls over, sliding out from underneath Freddie's arm. It's heavy. And she's never been one to do this anyways. But she tries for him. She's trying a lot these days it seems. She shrugs on one of his faded T-shirts and walks over to the window, cracking it a bit and sitting on the sill. He doesn't really like her to smoke in his room. Says the smell gets in her hair, that he can taste it when they kiss. All he smokes is weed and Effy feels it lingering on her for days after they've been together. The sweetness of it.

She looks out the window at the wet street below, people are walking, going about their lives and Effy realizes that she misses it. Observing people. Not talking. Just watching and catching what everyone else is missing. She's expected to _participate _now. And its fine, it really is. But she hates the inane chatter, the discussions of bands, movies…And sometimes she just really wants to tell Freddie to please—for the love of God, shut the fuck up.

--

When Emily comes home, Naomi is sitting at the kitchen table, hands clasped tightly in front of her. Emily can see her knuckles turning white. Naomi raises her head and looks at Emily, obviously begging her to come sit down.

"I've got coursework," Emily says gruffly, hoping to throw Naomi off.

"Ems, please just come sit down. I think we need to maybe start trying to sort some stuff," Emily just stares at Naomi as if unimpressed. Naomi shakes her head sharply, "Ems…please…"

With a deep sigh, Emily tosses her bag next to the doorway, trying to ignore how Naomi flinches at the sharp smack it makes as it hits the wall. She crosses the tiled floor and slides into the seat opposite Naomi. Emily expects immediate apologies and crying but instead they stare at each other awkwardly and Emily can hear the clock ticking out in the hallway.

"Well…" She starts and Naomi clears her throat.

"I just…wanted to see what you were thinking about all this, you know? If anything I mean."

Emily stares down at the table instead of at Naomi, strictly because it's easier that way, "I try not to think about it, Naoms." The nickname just slips out, it really does and Emily hates that Naomi's face lights up because of it. Hates that she's given Naomi some vestige of hope to cling to.

Naomi reaches hesitantly across the table and clutches onto Emily's hand. "I know I fucked up. It's been weeks, Emily."

Emily jerks her hand back out of Naomi's grasp, "Oh so a few weeks of silence makes up for you _fucking_ some other girl and then lying to me about it repeatedly?"

Naomi bites her lip and Emily watches as her eyes flood with tears yet again. "Are you ever going to stop punishing me," Naomi asks quietly.

Emily scoots back her chair quickly and it scrapes harshly on the floor. She stands up, "I don't know what you want from me, Naomi. I really don't."

She turns to leave and is surprised to feel Naomi's hand circle her wrist, "I want you back, Emily," Naomi says when she finally turns to look at her.

There's tears still shining in Naomi's eyes and she looks so fucking pathetic that Emily hates her all over again.

With a hard shove, Emily pushes her back into the wall, "Is this what you want," she hisses while pushing her hand down Naomi's skirt. "Will this make you happy?"

Naomi whimpers and it sounds like she's going to cry all over again so Emily slaps her across the face, "Shut up. Just shut the fuck up and stop crying. This is what you wanted isn't it?"

Emily attacks Naomi's throat, biting, sucking and reaches up to palm one of her tits in a way that isn't even on the same planet as gentle or loving. She feels Naomi's hands moving on her back, gently stroking and trying to calm it down but she doesn't pay heed. Instead Emily rubs her through her knickers and tries to ignore how wet Naomi is, how she arches up into her hand. _This is disgusting_, Emily thinks, _that we've sunk this low_.

With no dignity or ceremony about the whole thing, Emily pushes aside Naomi's knickers and shoves two fingers inside her. Naomi's gasp rings in her ear hollowly and Emily thrusts in and out, hard, forcing Naomi further back into the wall. Hears Naomi's head smack against it but ignores it.

When Naomi comes, Emily bites her lip, making it bleed.

They pull apart, gasping and Naomi starts pulling down her skirt. Emily straightens her hair and Naomi reaches for her hand. Perhaps hoping that now they've done that, maybe Emily will finally let her hold her. Instead Emily flinches away and walks away to do the most hurtful thing she can think of.

She washes her hands vigorously, using the hard side of the sponge. Scrubs them until they're raw, knowing Naomi's watching her the whole time. Then as she drying her hands she finally turns around to look at Naomi. She gestures to the chair they knocked over during the fuck, "Clean this shit up, will you?"

Emily walks by Naomi like she doesn't matter.

--

"Naomi's crying in the loo," Effy says without any further introduction.

Emily looks up from her book, "And I care?"

Effy shakes her head shortly, "Don't you? She loves you. She's sorry. People fuck up, Ems."

Emily slams her notebook and tosses her pencil down on top of it. She leans back, crossing her arms, "What about you, Ef? Do you ever fuck up?"

"Course," Effy responds.

"Why did you even come back," Emily says, tilting her head in an almost Effy-esque style, examining the girl before her, "What did you really have here?" Effy opens her mouth to answer but Emily cuts her off, "And don't say Freddie because I'm probably the one person that's going to actually call you on all that bullshit."

To Emily's eternal surprise, Effy gets _angry_. She stands up and smacks her palm down on Emily's desk, leaning close. Blue eyes glinting at her. "Fuck you, Emily Fitch."

Emily can't help but grin right in her face…right in her fucking face, "Nah, you already did that."

"You've changed," Effy says softly.

Emily almost starts crying out of nowhere, "Yeah, so have you."

Without another word, Effy picks up her bag and walks away.

Emily can't help but think maybe they're meeting somewhere in the middle.

--

Emily texts Effy later.

_Sometimes the hardest things to hear are the things that are true._

Effy doesn't answer.

Emily smiles because maybe she's made her point, silence is after all Effy's thing.

--

Naomi stands in the doorway. "Emily, can I stay with you tonight?"

Emily rolls over and looks at her outline. Her blonde hair shining in the light from the hallway, "Couch not working for you anymore?"

Naomi walks inside, slowly. "Being alone is what's not working for me."

"Naomi," Emily sighs out, sitting up when she sits down hesitantly on the edge of the bed, "I don't think it's a good…"

Naomi cuts her off, "Please, Ems. Just for tonight. Tomorrow I'll go back to the couch. I won't touch you, I promise. Just let me in for tonight."

_Just once more_, Emily thinks and moves the duvet aside.

They curl up on opposite sides with at least a foot of space between them.

--

She goes to see Cook again, not really knowing why. Effy hates the way his eyes come alive when he sees her. Hates it but secretly loves it. _Everybody loves me_, she thinks.

"How the fuck ya doin, Ef," Cook asks as he sits down heavily in that blue shirt and those blue track pants. He's lost weight. His eyes are a bit more sunk in and Effy wants to reach for his hand but she's supposed to be done with this. Fucking people around. Making them want her but never really giving herself to them. So she sits still and glances around, still not all that sure how to hold a conversation with him that doesn't involve drugs and fucking.

"The love still working," Cook says a bit snarkily.

"It's comfortable," Effy says too quickly and Cook's eyes light up a bit more.

"You miss it," Cook says, "Miss the fucking shit up, the disaster that used to follow you around. The hurt and pain. You miss being fit and mysterious. Fuckin' hell, J.J. pegged that one right didn't he? Truth is, Ef. You'll always be fit, shaggable. But you're going to lose that other thing one day. That other bit that people always want to have and get rid of. Freddie's gonna kill it, babes and it's a fucking shame, I say."

She passes him a fag and they smoke together and he doesn't try to stop her and he doesn't make her talk.

--

Effy sees Emily and Naomi outside the club. They're standing together but not really together. The distance is growing, even she can tell.

Freddie suddenly pulls on her hand, tugging her towards them and she stumbles along behind him.

"Oi Ems…Naomi," he says, happily oblivious to whatever tension is lingering in the air.

"Hey," they both respond in unison and then look over at each other, as if doing that together even hurt them.

--

Later, Emily can barely think. It's so fucking hot in there and her heart is pounding so fast that it feels like its going to jump right out of her fucking chest. She's dancing in the crowd, loose and free for the first time in months. She feels eyes on her and of course, Naomi is sitting at the bar, clutching her drink and watching Emily's every move.

But there's something else. Someone else. Emily turns and there's Effy, dancing a few clusters of people over. She's clinging to Freddie; his large, tan arms are wrapped around her waist from behind. But Effy's not holding him back; her eyes are feverishly scanning Emily's body. It's not shameful and Emily quivers at the way the real Effy seems to be back all at once.

It's the drugs that make her go up and pull Effy away from Freddie. And it's probably the drugs that make Effy follow, yelling something about the loo in Freddie's ear.

They stumble in together and Emily locks the door hastily. "Reminiscent," she says while pushing Effy up against the thin walls of the cubicle.

Effy's nails grip into her shoulders, holding her at bay. Effy turns her head a bit. "Can you really do this again, Ems?"

"Can you not," Emily asks, dipping her head and running her tongue up the tendon that's sticking out on Effy's neck.

"Fuck," Effy breathes out harshly.

Emily shifts so her thigh is between Effy's legs and almost groans at how Effy clenches her legs together, hugging it. And she's wet, Emily can feel it.

But when Emily leans in a second time, Effy pushes her away haltingly. "Don't, Emily," Effy says quickly, "The first time almost killed me. I can't do it again."

Effy fumbles with the lock and Emily just watches her because Effy…Effy Stonem is upset and flustered and it's so different. Emily watches her go. Tilts her head back against the wall and reaches inside her own knickers. Remembers everything that she couldn't let go of before.

Blue eyes, long fingers, cigarette smoke, soft lips, soft gasps in her ear, the wrongness, the rightness…

When Emily comes just moments later, she bites her lip to keep Effy's name inside of her.


	3. Chapter 3

Naomi wakes up cold and before she even looks, she knows Emily's side of the bed is empty. With a harsh sigh she rolls over and rubs her palm across her eyes. She's never felt so alone in her entire life. She used to revel in the time to herself, didn't need anyone but it's like Emily broke her somehow. Naomi doesn't know what to do with the silence that pervades their home these days. She's no longer just _Naomi_, not comfortable in being a single, she's too used to being part of a pair, being Naomi _and_ Emily.

Haltingly she gets up to face another day of the punishment that Emily seems only too happy to be dealing out. She'll take it. If it means getting Emily back, getting that _feeling_ back, that sense of belonging somewhere…she'll take anything really.

Naomi walks down the stairs and past the living room, where Emily is snoring lightly on the couch. She smiles softly at the way Emily is really just splayed across the couch, right leg hanging completely off. She walks over and spreads the blanket more evenly across Emily and takes the opportunity to run her fingers softly through Emily's hair. Emily breathes in a bit deeper and Naomi takes a short step back because she knows that as soon as she wakes Emily she'll have to see that _look_ in Emily's eyes and its possibly the worst thing she's ever seen.

Naomi stands there staring down at Emily for long moments. And its so hard to get something back like this because really she _has _to, has to make Emily remember just how good they were together.

--

She doesn't really know why she's here. Theoretically it's the worst place to be but still she stares up at the house as if it could be her salvation. The doorbell is just as hard to ring as it was the first time but she eventually musters up the courage because for fucks sake she's Naomi Campbell and she's meant to not give a fuck and she seems to have forgotten that a bit since Emily pounded down her walls and told her she wasn't alone anymore—which she is now.

When Katie answers the door she's wearing…track pants…and a tank top. Naomi scans her up and down a few times to confirm that this is actually Katie Fitch. The same Katie Fitch who never is seen without heels, a skirt, and a fuckload of makeup.

"What do you want," Katie asks while leaning her hand against the doorframe. She looks tired. Drained. And since Katie is usually all fight and bitchiness, Naomi feels something inside her shift.

"Alright Katie," Naomi says softly.

Katie shifts away from the doorframe and rubs at one of her eyes. Red, Naomi realizes, her eyes are red. Puffy.

"What do you want," Katie repeats and looks at Naomi expectantly.

Naomi clear her throat, "Right well…bit awkward but I actually need your help."

Katie scoffs and looks back over her shoulder briefly before turning back to Naomi, "Sorry to disappoint but I'm actually quite deep in my own fucking problems right now."

With that Katie starts to shut the door but Naomi shoves her foot in and stops it. Katie gapes at her, "Naomi…I was being nice but I'm not now so fuck off, okay? Your problems are not my problems."

"What if I said Emily needs your help," Naomi asks a bit desperately.

Katie glares at her for a few more seconds and then her face sort of crumples and she sighs out, "Fuck, let me get my coat."

--

They walk side by side through the park until they come to a bench that's relatively private.

"Just for the record," Katie says haltingly, "I still really dislike you for taking her away but I can see you two are good together."

Naomi smiles bitterly and looks off into the distance.

"With that in mind, how did you fuck up," Katie asks.

Naomi turns back to look at Katie and simply says, "Sophia."

She watches as Katie puzzles it over, obviously completely confused but then turning into shock and then disgust as Katie finally figures it out, "Oh no, Naomi…tell me you didn't."

Naomi shakes her head and she feels horrified that she's finally proved Katie and her mum right, right that she didn't deserve Emily.

"Fuck, you stupid, fucking…" Katie trails off as if words can't really describe.

They sit like that in silence for what seems like forever until Naomi pulls a fag out and lights it because fuck if she doesn't one.

"Smoking is bad for you," Katie says grudgingly.

"So is cheating," Naomi says and then she turns away because she's almost ready to cry and Katie isn't really the best person to do that around.

"I can't believe you, Naomi," Katie sighs out and rubs her hand over her forehead, "Why the fuck would you cheat on Emily?"

Naomi shrugs and takes a deep drag, "I was just…your sister, she's the best thing that's ever happened to me and she just all of a sudden turned into everything I have and it was scary…Christ Katie it was so scary."

"Maybe you need to stop being such a fucking coward when it comes to my sister. You know she doesn't ask much from you."

"I know," Naomi says and rests her head on her hand.

Katie sighs again and tilts her head, looking out over the park, "We're well fucked aren't we?"

Naomi passes her the cigarette with a grim smile, "Yep."

--

Emily comes home to find Effy sitting on the curb in front of Naomi's house and without a sound she sits down next her.

Effy takes a long gulp out of a bottle of vodka that she pulls out of her bag and then passes it over to Emily.

"I've come to tell you," Effy starts and then takes back the vodka, "I've dome to tell you that, I love Freddie, so whatever you're doing, you need to stop now."

Emily looks over at Effy's profile and feels her chest tightening, "And what is it I'm doing?"

"You know, Emily. You know." Effy glares over at her for what feels like a solid minute but then unfolds herself from the curb and wanders off haphazardly.

Emily rests her head in her hands, "Fuck."

--

When she walks into the house, Emily notices that Naomi is sitting on the couch just staring off into space. Her eyes are tinged with red and when she sees Emily her face changes to one of immense hurt.

"Hey, Ems," she says haltingly and with a sigh Emily slowly walks into the room.

She sits down next to Naomi on the couch and sucks in a deep breath when she feel's Naomi's fingers lightly touch the back of her hand.

"Please, Emily," Naomi says and Emily can hear the tears in her voice.

"What do you want from me," Emily asks because honestly, Naomi can't expect everything to just go back to normal.

"Let me try, okay? Let me try to make this right."

With a sharp turn, Emily grips Naomi's hair and pulls her in harshly. Their lips slide past each others and Emily bites at Naomi's lip fiercely, tugging it. When they break apart, Naomi sobs again.

"I can't promise anything," Emily whispers into Naomi's mouth.

Naomi wraps her arms around Emily and this time, Emily lets her.


	4. Chapter 4

Pt 4

The first time they fuck again, it's incredibly sad. Like touching a memory. Naomi tries so hard, kisses her so sweetly and Emily tries too, she really does but it's just not _enough_ somehow.

Naomi has to whisper, "Come on," in Emily's ear after she's been thrusting for quite a while.

Emily closes her eyes shut, hard and tries to focus on things that used to turn her on immensely. The way Naomi bites her lip or the way her hair will flutter in front of her face in the wind, her blue fingernails, the muscles in her stomach…but nothing is working.

"Emily," Naomi sighs in her ear.

"No," Emily gasps out, "Don't stop…just…" She angles her hips and wraps a leg around Naomi's pale calf, "harder."

Naomi bites down on her shoulder and it'll be purple in the morning. A bite the size of a shot glass ring. And she curls her fingers and pounds into Emily, making the bed smack into the wall with each thrust. Emily tugs on Naomi's hair, winds it in between her fingers and then twists and Naomi hisses in pain but doesn't stop. She takes the punishment.

Emily comes and she sees tears in Naomi's eyes.

Afterwards they lay side by side, not really touching while Emily slows her breathing and Naomi tries to wipe her cheeks subtly, so Emily doesn't see. She does see but she ignores it.

Moments later with just the clock ticking beside the bed, Naomi reaches for Emily's hand and traces a circle in her palm, "We'll get it back," she says quietly to the ceiling.

Emily nods and then realizes Naomi's not really looking at her anyways so she says it out loud, "Yeah," and her voice is raw and choked sounding so she clears her throat and that's when Naomi turns to look at her.

"I'm not ready to let go yet, Ems." Naomi rolls over swiftly and hugs Emily to her and Emily feels her hands trembling a bit as they clasp at the muscles on her back.

"Ok," Emily says and wraps her arms loosely around Naomi, not hugging back but…there.

--

Effy realizes that they're back. Hears them whispering at the edges of her mind, waiting for their chance. She rolls over and clasps Freddie's tan skin fiercely. He'll save her, he has to. He murmurs in his sleep and rolls towards her and Effy trembles into his warm chest. He seems so warm, present…_secure_ and he loves her, he said so.

So why doesn't he stop them?

--

Emily hears loud music blaring downstairs and Naomi clattering around in the kitchen which is slightly worrying in itself since Naomi rarely cooks. Emily rolls out of bed and for the first time in ages she's naked and it actually takes her a second to remember why and why she feels a bit sore.

"Shit," she murmurs as she stretches, arms over her head until she hears a sharp crack in her back. Fumbling around for her T-shirt, she catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror and there are dark shadows under her eyes and bruises along her neck and shoulders. What's worse is she looks…_hollow_.

"Ems! Breakfast," Naomi calls from downstairs.

Emily runs a shaky hand through her hair and heads downstairs. Naomi is pulling some sort of ridiculous housewife act, complete with kissing Emily's forehead when she stumbles into the kitchen.

The act is ruined a bit by the fact that Naomi sparks up a spliff as soon as they sit down at the table together and Emily's toast is well burnt.

Emily glances across the table and Naomi is reading through a magazine with the spliff dangling out of her mouth. She seems to catch Emily staring and looks up with a hesitant smile on her face and for the first time, Emily forgets to not smile back. Instead she feels her lips twitch up unbidden and Naomi's smile widens until its so beautiful and fragile that Emily has to look away.

Naomi stretches her long legs out and one of her feet grazes Emily's calf and she doesn't pull away.

Emily crunches on burnt toast and thinks of new beginnings and hope-- how Naomi's leg feels against hers and just how _present_ it is.

--

Effy pushes through the crowd and she sees Freddie, slumped against the wall talking to J.J.

"Freddie," she screams but it gets lost in the thudding bass.

There are noises and lights and everything is getting all confused. Effy grips the side of her head, pushing in on her brain, trying to make it just _stop_.

"Alright there princess," his voice sighs in her ear as he slides one muscular arm around her waist and Effy almost screams, almost freaks the _fuck_ out because he's part of the voices and he's part of the reason she can't…just _can't_ anymore.

She breaks away from him quickly and is aware that she's hurting them, hurting all of them. Freddie, J.J., Cook…even Emily at one point. And they're there at the back of her mind, reminding her, always reminding her. Telling her it's no good. To give up. They gnaw at her and she feels empty—and oddly full at the same time—full of pain, empty of truth, reliability.

Freddie's hand tangles with hers and he brushes his thumb across her knuckle and the tips of his fingers are rough, calloused but she _feels_ it.

"Cook? What the fuck are you doing here?"

Effy sinks into Freddie, grips his dirty T-shirt in her hand and Cook eyes are suspiciously.

"Fucks up with her," he asks and his eyes bore into Effy and she can hardly breathe, can't he _see_ them? Sawing inside her, can't he see that?

"We're fine," Freddie says and kisses the top of her head.

Effy is dying.

"Just fine."

--

Katie sees Emily in the bathroom. They bump into each other at the mirrors, ironically enough and Emily can't help but think that they've never been further apart.

"Still with her then," Katie asks and Emily notices that she's not _ok_ but she also doesn't sound like she's accusing Naomi of single-handedly turning her gay.

Emily reaches over and brushes a bit of lint off of Katie's purple top.

"Cheers," Katie says absentmindedly. They've been taking care of each other for so long it's a habit.

"Yeah she apologized and I'm…making a go of it," Emily says hesitatingly.

Katie rolls her eyes and says sarcastically, "Well that sounds like you're in total fucking love."

Emily shakes her head sharply, "She fucked it up like…massively, we're trying to rebuild is all. It's going to take time."

"People always let you down," Katie says sadly and without thinking Emily steps forward and wraps her arms around Katie and she's lost weight and feels bony and sharp, all angles. Katie's arms link around Emily's back and she presses her face into Emily's shoulder and releases one quick sob. Just one.

Then she pulls away and gestures to her face, "Am I good?"

Emily checks Katie's makeup and nods.

"Right," Katie looks hesitant, "well…I'm fine. You're fine."

"Yeah," Emily agrees as they walk about together.

"We're fine."


End file.
